‘Halloween II’ is Boring Gore-Porn
-----I had just seen the horrifically stupid, ‘The Final Destination.’ Next up was ‘Halloween II.’ It couldn’t suck as bad as ‘The Final Destination’ though, could it? I mean, it would at least be scary, right? And then I saw the movie. It’s worse than ‘The Final Destination.’ Feel free to quit reading at this time.
-----‘Halloween II’ has Michael Myers inexplicably back from the dead. Now he wants to hunt down and kill his sister. Unfortunately for moviegoers, he takes the scenic route and you have to sit through about thirty monotonous deaths along the way. It’s just bad stuff.
-----Scout Taylor-Compton plays protagonist Laurie Strode. The sister of Michael Myers, she spends the whole movie playing an emo that cries and screams as she sits helplessly waiting for Michael to come back from the dead and kill her. Brad Dourif is half decent as Sheriff Lee Bracket, and is one of the few characters who manage to have multiple emotions. Malcolm McDowell is the only prominent actor in the movie, and the only character who seems to have some sort of actual story, as Dr. Samuel Loomis. This semblance of a subplot, and the character we’ve seen him do a million times, are both unfortunately mashed into nothing by the boredom of the movie itself. The real scene stealer, and pretty much the sole reason the movie somehow avoids a zero rating, is Weird Al. With a classic cameo from a hilarious performer, Al manages to provide the only self-aware moment in the whole film.
-----Where do you begin with a movie this bad? I’ll start with the fact that it’s not scary, just boring. After an excruciatingly long opening dream sequence, the movie has no plot outside of Laurie being scared of Michael Myers just before Halloween. Myers is amazingly stupid, naturally choosing to walk very slowly across the country, killing people with no motive, no anger, and no creativity. It’s just slash, slash, slash-with his knife. Apparently the seven-foot tough guy without a line of dialogue in the whole movie can take any beating until it comes time for the movie to end, in which case he gets stabbed to death. I honestly got bored just watching him kill people in the dark, over and over and over again. Not to mention that our would-be protagonist isn’t very likable in her own right. The only people you really manage even the slightest bit of sympathy for is Lee Bracket as he looks after emo-chick Laurie, and his daughter, played in a few small scenes by Danielle Harris. Oh yeah, Weird Al is also likable in his thirty seconds.
-----Technically the movie is filmed in the dark. I guess they just couldn’t afford lighting equipment because they were too busy paying for fake blood to pour everywhere …in the dark…which you…can’t see. Sound like a fundamental flaw to you? Director Rob Zombie has also made a point of making sure there’s so much film grain in front of you, that you may as well be watching a bootlegged copy of the movie. The music too is bland and boring save the credits, and the numerous intense close-ups get sickening after the first five minutes of the movie. On very rare occasion, the movie dares explore some sort of territory out of the gore-porn genre, hinting at the psychological history that forged Michael. It’s at these moments, and one scene constructed in a completely white environment, that the movie hints at some sort of hidden potential. If you can make one or two good shots, why not repeat the method for the whole movie?
-----There’s a lot to hate in ‘Halloween II.’ Unnecessary nudity, unlikable characters, and the boredom of sitting through far too many bland killings by way of knife make ‘Halloween II’ one of the year’s worst films. If it weren’t for the legendary Weird Al making an appearance, and the one or two moments in the film where the cinematography is actually a plus, ‘Halloween II’ would be worse than ‘Orphan.’ Thankfully, the plot didn’t revolve around an evil child killing people, because that’s just plain goofy. Then again, a giant guy in a mask who doesn’t talk is just about as bad. So pretty much, you can thank Weird Al for half-a-star. On the other hand, anyone who goes in wanting to see boring gore-porn filmed in the dark will be satisfied.
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