Jonah Hex Review

‘Jonah Hex’ Makes Megan Fox Look Good

-----I’m all for the occasional indefensible guilty pleasure. I’m also an avid comic book fan. I can go for an over-the-top flick like ‘Wild Wild West’ or the somewhat B-List antics of a film like ‘Ghost Rider’; what those films had going for them is a bit of well-timed humor and great work from their charismatic casts. Granted, it’s still understandable why the general public would be dismayed with them. Now you enter a film like ‘Jonah Hex,’ which manages to take the worst parts of the aforementioned outings and mix them in with a story no one really cares about, while simultaneously forcing guttural grunts through a goofy mouthpiece, and the film’s highlight becomes Megan Fox. I just said that the film’s highlight becomes Megan-I hate the guy (Michael Bay) that made me famous-Fox. Through the typically solid talents of Josh Brolin and John Malkovich, Fox as eye candy proves superior. Granted, even Fox is stinted eye candy, wearing a corset that’s so tight it’s almost disturbing; and she doesn’t get naked either. It’s PG-13, so that’s obvious for anyone who knows the rating going in, but I’m just throwing that out there because if you’re blind enough to ignore every respectable critics warning and you still go see this film, chances are you probably missed the rating too.

-----Brolin’s hero is as shallow as they come, neither very likable nor audible over his ridiculous grunts. If I’d used a Jonah Hex quote at the top of the page, it would’ve looked something like, “‘[???]’—Jonah Hex.” The film could have had a hilarious sex scene to the soundtrack of muffled roars from our hero; “Grumble, grumble; grunt-grunt…!” As for Malkovich’s Quentin Turnbull, well, he’s as bland as just about any villain ever, wanting to take over the world because he’s evil. After killing Hex’s family, who we never legitimately meet and subsequently don’t care about (he did this for revenge), he now plans to destroy…something because he found a cool new weapon and he’s from the recently post-Civil War South. Ah yes, he wants to destroy the government! Sorry, it was difficult to follow the plot in between thoughts of what I might have for lunch the following day. And for the record, Uncle Ethan had just returned home from the wrong side of the Civil War, but you didn’t see him trying to destroy the U.S. Some villains just don’t know when to move on. And thus, through the barrage of boring old men, it becomes Megan Fox, a woman less likable with every public statement (but still pretty damn hot), who becomes the film’s only source of mediocre entertainment. That is how bad ‘Jonah Hex’ is.

-----The music is pretty ordinary for such a supernatural western, and so is everything else. It can’t even develop a consistent mood, an attribute which proved a saving grace for February’s middle-of-the-road ‘The Wolfman.’ One thing that can be said for ‘Hex’ is that it’s really fun to laugh at with friends post-screening. There are various talking points to retain cheap laughs from. In many scenes Hex makes a point to basically explain to us what he’s doing, one such scene being his first encounter with a dead man. He touches the deceased and they spring to life. It gets really hilarious when he puts dirt on his interviewee’s head as a means to calm him down. Other hilarious scenes include anywhere where Hex talks, and a sprawling fight scene in red sand that Hex imagines when he’s about to die. He emerges from under about an inch of red dirt and has it out with his nemesis…but not really. And who could forget the hallucinatory crow coming out of his mouth while recovering in the conveniently helpful Indians tepee?

-----Remembering all of these kodak moments, including so many that I've sadly left out of the review (they just wouldn't fit), I’m starting to think I may be advertising for this as a bit of ‘Troll 2’ style entertainment. Just make sure you don’t spend more than a dollar on it if you do feel so compelled by my curious scene relaying to watch it with your friends. In fact, the hilarity will sadly be lost on all of those unfortunate denizens who pay ticket-price for this 80 minute exercise. On that note, it’s a film that hardly gets boring, for it’s too short and quickly paced to journey into boring territory. It also allows ample time for its viewers to take a look inside themselves. Thoughts may arise within you such as, “Who am I? Why am I here? Is my life really less entertaining than this movie? No, it’s not. Then why am I resorting to this to pass the time? I wonder if that coupon is still valid…and I don’t think I turned off the oven.” One almost has to feel sorry for Director Jimmy Hayward and all those involved, granted the actors have to take responsibility for role choice at some point. Not sure Megan Fox has ever really cared anyway, no wait…that’s right; she turned down being a Bond girl so that she didn’t fall into any sort of stereotype…. With completely different script writers, producers, and pretty much everything else, there may have been some potential somewhere in the pages of the Jonah Hex comic books; at least enough to warrant passable entertainment. I’ve certainly had worse times in theaters, but ‘Jonah Hex’ is pretty much unanimous in its badness, and subsequently seems destined to fail financially also. A bit less boring than ‘Legion’ but lacking Paul Bettany’s strong presence, ‘Jonah Hex’ is the latest entry into the realm of the hilariously bad.

Official Trailer

Co-Stars John Malkovich

Co-Stars Josh Brolin

Co-Stars Megan Fox

Co-Stars Megan Fox