‘Whiteout’ is one of the Most Indifferent Experiences of All Time
-----‘Whiteout’s trailer suggests that it’s about the South Pole’s first murder. It was to be a stunning and suspenseful action thriller. I’d see that movie, but the real ‘Whiteout’ is something far different. It is as pointless as the setting is cold, never boring; just consistently futile.
-----‘Whiteout’ follows the story of U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko. When the first murder in Antarctica is committed, Stetko sets out to find the killer before the whiteout strands them there for winter. At this point, the plot shoots into fifty different convoluted storylines, and chances are you won’t care about any of them. By the end, when a supposed big reveal is made, you’ll just sort of take it all in, being neither upset nor satisfied-just present.
-----Kate Beckinsale plays Stetko in a role that resembles much of her previous work, only this time in a tired fashion. Imagine her ‘Underworld’ persona, minus the vampire and motive. She aimlessly wanders around the movie, unconcernedly taking in the subplots. And I say this as someone who normally enjoys Beckinsale’s work. It’s not so much that she’s bad, more that she’s like every other bit of the movie…meaningless, an indifferent character to the audience. Gabriel Macht plays U.N. Operative Robert Pryce, in a role as unresponsive as Beckinsale’s. It’s as if no one wanted to step up to the plate and portray a character that stands out as anything more than a dutiful plot element. Also bland, but mostly just adequate, are Tom Skerritt as Stetko’s friend Dr. John Fury (how about that name), and Columbus Short as Stetko’s underdeveloped sidekick of sorts. None of the characters are memorable, none of them are properly developed, and none of them are very fun or terrible to watch. They’re just sort of there.
-----There’s not much to say about ‘Whiteout’ other than bringing up the numerous strings of the plot that eventually do get tied together, though few will care about the final knot. Based on a graphic novel, the film’s slow but rarely droll pacing seems to be much more suitable for ongoing comic book serials rather than a feature film. And yet, the film miraculously avoids the boredom that usually comes with audience indifference towards the characters and story. Viewers may even be reasonably content during the runtime, whether daydreaming or sort of casually watching the events unfold on screen, but there’s absolutely nothing to really like here. As soon as the first credit rolls, you’ll instantly be stricken with the realization that you have no opinion on the events you just watched. The film just sort of exists to exist; neither entertaining nor boring the viewer, and rarely inspiring even an ounce of audience reaction.
-----Technically, ‘Whiteout’ is first and foremost, a mess. Dark sets and endless close-ups give way to an occasionally nauseating experience. This also leads to poor action, though the film’s climax takes place during a whiteout; so camera angles don’t effect this scene much at all, seeing as you can’t even tell who’s doing what. There’s even a bit of porn-ematography, involving an extreme close-up of a stripping Kate Beckinsale. This isn’t to say anything is actually showing, but the camera literally zooms in on her underwear shielded gluteus maximus as she bends over, only to take the camera under it, where the shot lingers looking straight up at her…you get it. So while she is technically clothed, the shot may very well qualify as soft-core porn for the MPAA. The poor cinematography also lends to a self-parodying moment in the film, as Beckinsale gets a mysterious phone call and the camera is quick to zoom in on her face! You can practically smell the melodrama lingering in the air. There are still a few good long shots of the Antarctic landscape (actually filmed in Canada), but there is a thick, annoying layer of film grain covering almost every other scene.
-----I’d pay to see a good movie about a murderer on the loose in Antarctica. I’d watch that film. Unfortunately, ‘Whiteout’ is far more ambitious than this, trying to force a plot including the smuggling of goods, dry detective work, plenty of weak twists, and World War II airplane exploits-among numerous other elements-into its runtime. No kidding, you think you’ve seen a convoluted movie? ‘Whiteout’ would put it to shame. Adding insult to injury, the killer doesn’t even seem to be that big of a deal. He becomes a dutiful and even unnecessary subplot of sorts, not to mention being really stupid. They just sort of catch him. Then it’s the kind of revelation you’d see in a ‘Scooby-Doo’ episode, as it turns out to be a character you met for about half-a-second in the beginning of the film. Ok, I’ll admit that last statement was a bit unfair, there were some pretty good ‘Scooby-Doo’ episodes. So pretty much, everything becomes trivial, never boring-just pointless. If you’re on an airplane it will kill the time, but paying to see it just might kill you. With a weak Box Office haul, and an almost unanimous distaste from those who saw it, there’s just no legitimate reason for ‘Whiteout’ to exist.
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